5. You were a porker playing “fullback” in AYSO
You know who you are… You may be some cut buff specimen of men that women pine over now, or maybe your still a fat slob who lives vicariously through your computer screen, but either way you were that fat little poker who played “fullback” (for some reason they were never called defenders regardless if they were playing fullback or not). Your coach took one look at you and determined you couldn’t run, dribble, shoot, or generally do anything useful to help the team other than to stand in the back field and kick a ball if it came near you. And it had to come near you because there was no way you were going to be able to run to the ball. You’ve never forgotten that and have decided all soccer is to be ignored because it brings back those memories of you fat little inadequacies…
4. The final score was 0-0?
I’ve seen it more times, the clock gets to 90:00, the injury time expires, the whistle is blown, the game is over… but the score is 0-0. Every time someone around me who has never seen a game asks, “don’t they go into overtime?” or “how do they break the tie?” You explain to them that the game just ends this way, it’s a tie, and they give you this look of perplexed disgust. It can’t end in a tie, nothing ends in a tie. You either win or you lose, period. It must be an American thing, and if you look at our American sports you can see why, they all have overtime. Overtimes and overtimes of overtimes, extra innings that never end, shootouts that continue until someone scores. But someone is always declared the winner. It’s unfathomable that no one wins and no one loses, despite the fact that reality often follows that same tract. And no one seems to notice that draws can actually make league play that much more interesting allowing teams to jump multiple spots on one win if their opponents above on the table both draw.
3. It’s not tough like Football
So many times I hear this one. “These guys are such whimps.” Ok hotshot, let’s see you get kicked in the legs while at running at full speed while wearing no protection other than c up over your family jewels. Let’s see you jump up and collide skull on skull with some guy, again with no protection. Lets see you take a kicked soccer ball anywhere on your anatomy, and see what you have to say about toughness. Sure American football is a tough sport, but do remember they’re wearing enough padding that you’d be safe for a night in a house with Charles Manson. Meanwhile soccer players only have enough padding to protect them from Whacko Jacko. This leads me to point 2…
2. We’re not here to see actors…
This one has bothered more people than I can remember whom I’ve talked to about soccer. No one enjoys watching some dude roll around on the ground with an “injury” only to be miraculously cured when some trainer runs in from the sideline and give him a dose of the “magic spray”. You know what I’m talking about, that spray bottle containing that magical elixir called water than when quickly spritzed on to the “injured” player, suddenly heals him so effectively that he pops up, does a quick run in place, and then takes off down the field. Never mind that diving actually can play a very important role in strategy during games, and can mean the difference between win and loss. The fact that they do it just bugs the heck out of you.
1. David Beckham is prettier than you are
Face it, the man is one of THE universal international sports gods. Almost no one can touch him unless it’s Tiger Woods. Beckham has the hot former pop star wife, the hair that can do no wrong, he regularly gets adulation and rubs arms with insane celebrities like Tom Cruise, he still has the killer setup shot even at his advanced age of 33, and he can bend many things better than you can. You’re jealous, don’t try to deny it as you sit in your cubicle reading this drinking stale coffee, and wondering why you’re even bothering to do TPS reports. And because he plays for MLS’ resident “superclub”, you’re even less inclined to give MLS soccer a shot because odds are if you turn it on the TV or go to a game, Beckham will be there to mock you with his pretty life. Hell you couldn’t even watch the Olympics without avoiding this guy. He’s so much better than you he can start his day in London, play a game in LA in the afternoon, and be the center of attention in Beijing at night, and all of it while looking the part of Olympic god, come again to the Olympics. All you could do was sit there and watch…
