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All-Name Hall of Fame - The Best Athlete Names Ever

September 23rd, 2008
Posted in Uncategorized
By: Daniel

Some athletes are truly gifted. They’ve been given speed, agility, and strength that has affixed upon them trait-ascribed nicknames: “Magic” Johnson, Broadway Joe. The Babe. But a rare few athletes are gifted with just the right name at birth. Here at IGN we present the inaugural edition of the All-Name Hall of Fame.

Assol Silvets - She’s a skier from Belarus. With that name she must be a real jerk.

Prince Octopus Dzanie - 2008 Olympic boxer from Ghana who happens to be 4′7″. He squirts ink when you punch him.

Jihad Muhammad - This Cincinnatti basketball player is the bomb.

Atari Bigby - This safety for the Packers has got an old school game.

Sammy Davis - This CB for the Bucs didn’t have as nearly as cool an entourage as Mr. Bojangles. Clearly you’re not exactly a star when the first pic Google finds is you as the *other* guy in the highlight.

Mac Speedie - He was one of the fastest WRs in the AFL and NFL, as well as an NCAA track star in the 1940s.

Windham Rotunda - If you are a former WWF wrestler who travels a lot and has a kid at 6′5″ 300lbs, it is appropriate to name him after a hotel lobby.

Anna Smashnova -She’s an Israeli tennis player who clearly has a mean serve.

Darius Passmore - With that name he could only be a WR, or maybe a quarterback in the west coast offense.

Usain Bolt - I heard he runs fast.

Yourhighness Morgan - We discovered this gem recently. Don’t forget his brother Handsome, and his cousins Prince & Gorgeous.

Louis Lipps - Steelers player with no relation to Lisa Lipps or Wendy Whoppers.

Majestic Mapp (& his brother Scientific) - That’s how you know your parents want you to be explorers.

Chief Kickingstallionsims - I don’t know how he got this name, but Chief Sitting Bull is jealous.

Irina Slutskaya - This Russian figure skater shows why she is so popular with the guys.

Jung Bong - If only Ricky Williams played baseball, he could join this dynamic duo:

Kim Yoo Suk - It was all good for this 2008 Olympian until they started chanting his name.

Gaylord Perry - This Gaylord was a pitcher. We don’t know about his favorite catcher.

Dean Windass - An English footballer who is known for dirty play, Windass is gas powered.

Albert Pujols - With a stinky name, he’s clearly not the most hygienic player.

Dick Lane - Night Train Dick Lane was a defensive back, so you know he liked to plug any holes the offense tried to spread.

John David Booty - The use of 3 names also makes him sound like a serial killer.

Johnny Dickshot - Baseball player with the name of a porn star, he was nicknamed “Ugly” Johnny because he looked like a male porn star.

Nicky Butt - As a defensive midfielder for Newcastle Utd, this Butt doesn’t let anything pass.

Dick Trickle - NASCAR driver who leaks fluid. Here he is standing next to his metaphor:

De’Cody Fagg - Fagg, also a receiver, hopes to play for his other favorite slur: the Redskins.

Dick Pole - This former pitcher should probably do ads for Viagra.

Urban Shocker - Played for the Yankees in the 1920s. Be careful of his fingers.

Gregor Fucka - 7′1″ Yugoslavian basketball player has the nickname Gregor “Uncle” Fucka. Must be a South Park fan.

Peter LaCock - Another baseball player named like a porn star.

BJ Johnson - In addition to being named BJ Johnson, he’s another wide receiver. Flash this symbol for some BJ loving.

Ron Tugnutt - NHL goaltender who couldn’t be jerked around.

Harry Colon - An NFL defensive back who clearly ate lots of fiber.

Danny Shittu - Nigerian soccer player in the Premier League. He could still learn some things from Harry Colon.

Rudy Gay - Basketball player who likes to pound the lane.

Ray Kuntz - Notre Dame football player with a close shave.

Rusty Kuntz - Dirtiest name in MLB. Don’t know if he’s related to Ray.

Misty Hyman - Olympic swimmer who doesn’t let the competition break her.

Lucious Pusey - Unfortunately this football player had his name legally changed to Lucious Seymour.

Dick Butkus - Linebacker who was even better than Harry Colon.

God Shammgod - Do not say the name of this basketball player in vain.

Miroslav Satan - The day this hockey player gets signed with the New Jersey Devils, I’m getting the jersey.

Yoshie Takeshita - This Japanese Olympic volleyballer has no (known) connection to tubgirl.

2 Bonus Names from the world of horse racing:

Meet Arrrrrggh, champion stallion of pirates everywhere:

And meet another finely tuned equine specimen, Hoof Hearted:

Honorable Mention:

Chad Ohco Cinco gets half credit since that is now his legal name. Mr. Ocho Cinco misses the cut for the All-Name Hall of Fame because he chose the name for himself and based it on his self-titled nickname.